Free Write: Cabin Fever Thoughts (1/23/16)

We've all had these moments...

Sending that late night text message that you almost instantaneously regret pressing send.

Suppressing your feelings and emotions for the sake of not coming across as too "emotional", too "weak", too "clingy", and a bunch of other adjectives equating/amounting to a sign of inferiority or vulnerability.

Feeling so lonesome and single on a weekend night, when all you want to do is just spend some quality time with a special someone cuddling, cooking, listening to music, dancing, and watching movies.

When the realization that bae does not exist, as per previous scenario, you decide to put on your bartender hat and make yourself an alcoholic concoction or indulge is the grocery store's finest selection of cheap wine, hard cider, chocolate, chips, and dip... oh and Talenti!

Hearing your neighbors... #facepalm #everytime #selfexplanatory

Being that neighbor who blasts loud (whimsical, annoying, corny) music to block out the neighbors you're hearing.  I'm that neighbor.  And I wish somebody would try to file a noise complaint... Try me.

Feeling trapped because your cars snowed in, the roads aren't tip top clear, there's a [HUGE] chance you'll end up in a ditch because a) the roads are slick, icy, and not paved, or b) you're a Virginia driver who can't drive worth s*** in the snow, rain, dry & sunny day, or c) both a and c.  (I'm obviously not talking about myself, just to clarify a few things.)

When Pandora, Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes Radio, or any other similar music genome platform is subtly speaking to your life and you can't help but sing along, bust out into interpretive dance, grab the tissues, twerk it out, and give the performance of a lifetime (on the scale of 1 to Beyoncé) in your apartment all by yourself.

That's all I've got for now at least.

Facebook Asks me: "What's on your mind?"

"What's on your mind?"

Why, how friendly and courteous is Facebook to ask me what I'm thinking of, how I am doing, and what concerns me.

What is on my mind?

• How no matter where I live, I will never be fully comfortable unless I live in my own damn house. The walls will always be too thin. The neighbors will always be creepy, nosy, loud, or annoying.  If I have another roommate, I'll never be able to just bask in my much needed solitude.
• I can fall asleep pretty much anywhere in my apartment. Sometimes, I'll just pick a spot on the floor, by the front door, next to the fridge, by my bedroom doorway, in front of the tv, etc., and woosah my life away.
• Sometimes I lie in bed, put my headphones on, and think about how nice it'd be to not sleep alone (all the while the neighbors are getting it on... fml).  Something as simple as cuddling.
• How I am remaining patient and trust that God has someone on the way for me. I just gotta keep holding on and staying on the straight path.
• My singleness and what I can do in the meantime to just have fun and enjoy the precious moments of life.
• Hot lit this newly discovered music is (Jeremih and August Alsina mixtapes, JoJo EPs, music by Dawn Richard, etc.).
• How I'm notorious for overthinking a lot of things. I just need to simmer down now.
• I'm a hopeless, yet very guarded, romantic.  I've learned from experiences not to go all in to prevent the fall, heartbreak, and emotional hardship.
• How's this good girl going to attract the most compatible one?

I think that's majority of it for now.

The First Week

First week into the new year - twenty-sixteen - and i've had so much to think about.  I have less than 4 months to complete my thesis, take one final course, find a full-time job, and keep my sanity intact...

Whew! What a way to start this entry.  First week into 2016, and I've experienced a range of emotions.  Feeling refreshed, inspired, motivated, determined, like a hopeless romantic not trying to let their guards down or get too excited about possibilities...

I've turned to my spirituality and have began pursuing a true inner peace with meditation and yoga.  It definitely has not been easy.  Day one wasn't so bad. I felt rejuvenated. Day two... Day three... Day four has passed and I'm back at square one.

Can someone cue in some Adele? Drake ("Nothing Was The Same" album)? Coldplay? I'm feeling some type of way.  I know everything that has to be done. I know the long journey that awaits me. I know I can do it. But when self is in the way, how do you start and keep going? Especially when you just want to share things with someone special, but someone special doesn't quite exist yet. When that reality hits me, I experience a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness, possibly even self-pity (rarely though).

I love love. I love to love on and care for others. But I have the hardest time letting others love on me. It's not that I don't want it. I've just become so guarded, semi- cold-hearted, and afraid to fully let someone in.  I have some things in my past that I am not so proud of.  Some things I would only keep to myself until the time is right to be disclosed to the right person.

What am I even trying to say in this cryptic message? Beats me. I have no more to say.

The Typical "End of the Year" Reflective Blog Post

<Insert disclaimer about how it's been a while since the last time I've posted or how school has been very difficult or how I would like to post more often in the new year... all of this is true, but when life has the reigns, I get pulled in so many other directions.  But any who, let the post commence>

2015 has been a very eyeopening year for me. A very challenging one I must say.  Not because of the people that I've encountered/interacted with, but because of the extended period of transition(ing) into full adulthood and the experiences that come along with it.  School has been tough and this year I had to make one of the most difficult decisions ever for myself, but at the end of the day I'm much happier because of it.  Instead of focusing on the negatives of this year, I'd rather highlight the positives and how much I've been blessed as inspiration to keep going harder and staying motivated in 2016.  There have been many positive things that have come out of this year.

Let's begin...

At the beginning of 2015,

Check In

It's been a long time! I'm in my third year of graduate school, and it will be my last! Glory be to God!

Since my last post (which was ages ago), many things have been revealed to me and I've made decisions that will make my quality of life a little bit better and ultimately remove some of the burdens that I inadvertently have placed on myself during my two years at Virginia Tech.  As I'm in the prime of my adulthood, I realize my priorities and have evaluated what I really want out of life at this time.

I am a lifetime learner, but at this time in my life, I've declared that I will earn my Master of Science in Mechanical Engineering in May of 2016, I want to gain some industry experience in my field, and I want to be close to my family in MD.  Most importantly, I want to build my professional skill sets, save up some money, travel a little bit, and be close to those who matter most to me.  Life is short, and I do not want to spend forever in school. I am a do-er naturally; a hands-on experimentalist, a creative soul, a socialist.

It has not been an easy journey forward, and there's still so much hard work and late nights ahead, but I know and have faith that I will make it.  I have many reasons to smile and be happy. I am so blessed and privileged. I couldn't have made it this far without God, support from family and friends, and encouragement from my mentors and advisors.

So, what have I been up to?

• School, school, school... and more school (working on my MS thesis)
• Working on establishing and branding myself as a freelance photographer locally with my social media platforms
• Building my photography portfolio
• Practicing using makeup and improving on my beauty skills
• I moved into a 1-bedroom apartment over the summer (Best move ever!); I love being in my own space and arranging it how I want
• Enjoying and living in my singleness (I can focus more on loving myself, being a servant of God, working on myself, and growing in faith)
• Traveling home every now and then

Here are a few pictures from the past few months including my little sister's graduation from high school, my cousin's wedding, me practicing makeup, and a group picture from a recent social at school etc.

Electric Pop Smoky Eye

Earlier this week, I debuted a cute make up look that I will the "Electric Pop Smoky Eye" make up look.  This look features an electric blue smokey eyelid highlighted with metallic silver brow and fuchsia accent streaks below the lower eyelid to create this electric simple look.  This look was very easy to create and I had a great time being adventurous and playing with a variety of color combinations on my eyes, lips, and face.

The Look

Hello 2015... Happy New Year!!!

Out with the old and in with the new! I'm not really a person who is big into the new year's resolutions shenanigans, however, I always take the time to set some new goals and outline what I hope to accomplish in the year ahead.

Here are a few of my goals for 2015:

It's My Birthday! And I Was Feeling Myself

Better late than never, right? This November, I celebrated my 24th birthday in style.  And yes, I am only shy one year from being a quarter century in age.  Anyway, this year a couple of friends and I had dinner at this very nice and popular restaurant in Blacksburg called Bull and Bones Brewhaus and Grill off of First & Main St. This place had the most amazing menu and even better beer that they brew themselves.  My birthday was the perfect occasion for me to try some new cuisines and beer on my actual birthday and get out and dress up.  I absolutely enjoyed myself that night and here are a few photos of the aftermath.  I was feeling myself (lol).

What Am I Really Trying to Say?

I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by the technology I have at the palm of my hand, at any moments reach.  Being so consumed with all things unimportant to my immediate life, I grow frustrated, angry, and sickened - not because I yearn for these things, but because I'm tired of hearing, seeing, and even partaking in meaningless things time and time again.  A shift in my paradigm is on the way.

#BlackLivesMatter

Let me get a few things off of my chest.

I am silent... I am silent because there are no words that genuinely or appropriately express the way I feel after hearing the grand jury verdict of the Mike Brown case.  The officer, officer Wilson, was not indicted for ANY (not one) charges against him.  That is some utter bulls*** and I am pissed off.

My heart is heavy;

Autumn Fashion: Grab Your Cardigans & Boots!

Pull out your cardigans, your knew-high boots, your leggings, mini-dresses! It's time to have some autumn fun. Decided to play with various prints and color combinations. I think I nailed this look. What you do think?

Hope For Tomorrow

I had the opportunity to sort through a few of my most recent self-portraits.  This one in particular stood out the most.  My eyes are striking, filled with hopefulness, and you can clearly tell that I am smiling or otherwise happy.  As Tyra Banks would say, I am Smizing.  Mission accomplished.  I decided to play with a few filters and make it pink in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which is the entire month of October along with other commemorations such as Hispanic Heritage Month or Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

I personally lost my maternal grandmother to breast cancer in 2002.  She was surely a woman of God, grace, and great strength.  I learned quite a few things from her about being a young woman - how to cook, clean, style my hair and dress up, go grocery shopping, interact/play with my cousins and family members, appreciate and respect those around me, and build my faith by being surrounded by other faithful people (we were up in the House of the Lord every single Sunday Amen!).  I used to spend my summers with her when I was a child.  Although I didn't fully comprehend everything that was going on leading up to her passing, I knew one thing - she was a soldier and I would never know she was going through anything.  She always held it down.  I've reflected on her impact on my family before (Flashback, A Trip Down Memory Lane); her legacy still remains.

The world needs some ounce of happiness and inspiration.  I hope that I can add to that equation with photography like so.

Maleshia J.

My Life May Resume

This weekend I took one of the most hellish departmental qualifying exams for my doctoral program.  I must say that for the past month or so I have really be in full grind mode because the exam covers SO much material (content spanning 7 subjects within mechanical engineering).  But thanks to the grace and mercy of God it is finished, over, and done with.  Finally, life as we know it may resume.

My life prior to now consisted of sleeping, studying, eating, studying, eating, studying, sleeping, and repeat (with all of the things in between).  I had to make a few sacrifices for the sake of dedicating time and efforts to preparing including going out on the weekends, traveling home or even communicating consistently with my family and friends, practicing my photography or executing photo projects, and sorting through my long list of photo albums.  It was a long strenuous process to prepare for that exam, and my efforts will not go unrecognized.

While I wait to hear the results from my examination, I will continuously cross things off of my to-do list.  I have so many ideas and dreams that must be fulfilled.  I have so many things to say to others, so many things to do, and things I need to do to work on myself (mind, body, soul, and spirit).

Be on the look out for more posts about my photography, my fashion (outward beauty), and my creations in the kitchen.  I recently invested in a Crock-Pot so I may have a few cuisines featured with the tag #CrockpotCreations.

Let's get it!

Until next time,

Maleshia J.

Monday: The Pressure

Monday...

It’s very easy for doubt to creep in when things aren’t looking up in your immediate future. I’m just not feeling it right now. It has me feeling like maybe this just isn’t for me right now. It will all be over soon, soon enough, but will I be ready. Sometimes, I have to look off into the distance just to keep myself from crying/shedding a tear. I know I’m not alone in this, I’m highly favored, but I can’t help but feel these emotions as I go through the motions of trying to figure out how to make it through. This is a very stressful time for me. My own self-imposed pressures are what is weighing me down at the moment. I do not feel confident, no matter how much I tell myself. It just doesn’t stop. It’s only Monday…

I will get through this. I should definitely take a double-take, maybe even triple-take at one of my favorite scriptures Philippians 4:13 which simply says:

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."

He strengthens my mind, body, and soul. Thank you Lord. I believe it and I will not give up. I will try my best. It’s just that getting to that end point and visualizing myself at the end of the road has proven very difficult for me.  My qualifying exam is scheduled for this weekend.

My current obstacles/challenges/struggles:

• PhD Qualifying exam
• Lack of focused state of mind and proper study environment(s) or study zones
• Feelings of inadequacy and unconfidence
• Mentally exhausted
• Unsure about what I want to research or am 100% passionate about
• Life at home

It’s a lot, but I’m hoping that God will help me cross out every item on this list in due time. This post was not meant to be sad, pessimistic, or depressing - I just had to get it out. If I could ask one thing, it would be for prayers for strength, endurance, courage, the spirit of boldness, and restored confidence in my abilities.

Side Note: Jhene Aiko's latest album "Souled Out" has been the business for me this past week.

Until next time,

Maleshia J.

Hairspiration: I Cut It!

I cut it! ...

Restart.

New chapter. New priorities. New themes. New beginnings.  It's about that time.

I'm going through a lot internally it seems, but I know and truly believe that God will work it out for me.  Sometimes when things seem far out of place, or are going astray, I admit, I feel discouraged, annoyed, angry.  During those times are when I need to rely on Him the most.  Distancing myself from others isn't the answer.

I'm tired. Sometimes I just want to start over.

Eyes! Which one is your favorite?

It's been a while since I've written a post (as per usual; oh the life of a busy grad student), but today I finally got around to and was inspired to share with you some of my recent personal projects revolving around photography, fashion, inner and outer beauty, and my spiritual faith in God.

Today, I would like to share a few collages I made of me developing my photography skills, experimenting with light make up, and manifesting the light in my life from within me. I had a fun time practicing, and as I grow as a photographer, I hope to showcase the beauty of the people around me.   Here it goes for Eyes!

Spring Break 2014: A Momentary Reflection

You ever have one of those moments where you just want to curl up into a ball while sitting in the darkest corner just to shut out the rest of the world? That's exactly where I'd want to be right now.  I am feeling some kind of way and my mood has been utterly shot.  I'm very grateful for the time I was actually able to come home.  Most of my grad school friends were stuck on campus because either they were stuck working in lab, home is just to far away, or they simply had nowhere to go for spring break.  I'm fortunate to have found a way back my home sweet home.

Slipping Away

I realize that I am beginning to slip away.  Now or never is the time for that to happen.  I started off the semester with fasting and taking a much needed break from social media to focus more on fostering my relationship with God.  I backslided a little bit during that week, but I finished the fast and felt restored after it was over.  Now it has been nearly a month since then, and a few other doors in my life have been opened, I feel like I have been slipping away from God's reach and giving into temptation of myself.  It's getting a little out of hand for me and I honestly seek deliverance from the Lord.