Monday: The Pressure

Monday...

It’s very easy for doubt to creep in when things aren’t looking up in your immediate future. I’m just not feeling it right now. It has me feeling like maybe this just isn’t for me right now. It will all be over soon, soon enough, but will I be ready. Sometimes, I have to look off into the distance just to keep myself from crying/shedding a tear. I know I’m not alone in this, I’m highly favored, but I can’t help but feel these emotions as I go through the motions of trying to figure out how to make it through. This is a very stressful time for me. My own self-imposed pressures are what is weighing me down at the moment. I do not feel confident, no matter how much I tell myself. It just doesn’t stop. It’s only Monday…

I will get through this. I should definitely take a double-take, maybe even triple-take at one of my favorite scriptures Philippians 4:13 which simply says:

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."

He strengthens my mind, body, and soul. Thank you Lord. I believe it and I will not give up. I will try my best. It’s just that getting to that end point and visualizing myself at the end of the road has proven very difficult for me.  My qualifying exam is scheduled for this weekend.

My current obstacles/challenges/struggles:

• PhD Qualifying exam
• Lack of focused state of mind and proper study environment(s) or study zones
• Feelings of inadequacy and unconfidence
• Mentally exhausted
• Unsure about what I want to research or am 100% passionate about
• Life at home

It’s a lot, but I’m hoping that God will help me cross out every item on this list in due time. This post was not meant to be sad, pessimistic, or depressing - I just had to get it out. If I could ask one thing, it would be for prayers for strength, endurance, courage, the spirit of boldness, and restored confidence in my abilities.

Side Note: Jhene Aiko's latest album "Souled Out" has been the business for me this past week.

Until next time,

Maleshia J.

Destined to Think

I'm on this spiritual journey to figure out what I need to do, where I need to be, and how I'm going to get there.  I ask God to grace me with the spirit of patience so that when the time comes for me fulfill my destiny, I won't be alarmed, surprised, or disobedient.  I am destined to be a scientist (or at least that's what I think).  Nights upon nights, I dream of solutions to problems in my sleep.

 I create scenarios in which I have to speak to people in a formal manner.  I think about how I'm going to approach someone or get something done.  I dream about how I can solve that math problem that was just bothering me so much the night before.  I organize things in my dreams, like the real Maleshia J. would do.

Do ordinary people think of science, even while they're sleeping?  I'd say most don't, but I could be wrong.  I'm going to take that as a sign that I'm supposed to remain in the STEM fields, PhD or not.  I love this stuff, but my passion is not focused or defined at this point.  There's still more time for me to get things figured out. [Yes, I know that last sentence was very passive.  That's because God's going to handle it and guide me.]

I love people watching, photography, looking at art and designs, building structures.  Architectural engineering sounds fun.  I've determined within the last few weeks that I want to be somewhere that fuses beauty/art with design to create things are can be used and are aesthetically pleasing to the eye.  I think that's what I want to do. If I pursue a PhD, it has to be something that is engineering-related but has a touch of art/design (not completely mechanical design).

Wow! I feel a lot better.  Just jotting this down will help me keep my word and uphold my faith.  One thing I have no doubt about is that I am destined to think.