Free Write: Cabin Fever Thoughts (1/23/16)

We've all had these moments...

Sending that late night text message that you almost instantaneously regret pressing send.

Suppressing your feelings and emotions for the sake of not coming across as too "emotional", too "weak", too "clingy", and a bunch of other adjectives equating/amounting to a sign of inferiority or vulnerability.

Feeling so lonesome and single on a weekend night, when all you want to do is just spend some quality time with a special someone cuddling, cooking, listening to music, dancing, and watching movies.

When the realization that bae does not exist, as per previous scenario, you decide to put on your bartender hat and make yourself an alcoholic concoction or indulge is the grocery store's finest selection of cheap wine, hard cider, chocolate, chips, and dip... oh and Talenti!

Hearing your neighbors... #facepalm #everytime #selfexplanatory

Being that neighbor who blasts loud (whimsical, annoying, corny) music to block out the neighbors you're hearing.  I'm that neighbor.  And I wish somebody would try to file a noise complaint... Try me.

Feeling trapped because your cars snowed in, the roads aren't tip top clear, there's a [HUGE] chance you'll end up in a ditch because a) the roads are slick, icy, and not paved, or b) you're a Virginia driver who can't drive worth s*** in the snow, rain, dry & sunny day, or c) both a and c.  (I'm obviously not talking about myself, just to clarify a few things.)

When Pandora, Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes Radio, or any other similar music genome platform is subtly speaking to your life and you can't help but sing along, bust out into interpretive dance, grab the tissues, twerk it out, and give the performance of a lifetime (on the scale of 1 to Beyoncé) in your apartment all by yourself.

That's all I've got for now at least.

Monday: The Pressure

Monday...

It’s very easy for doubt to creep in when things aren’t looking up in your immediate future. I’m just not feeling it right now. It has me feeling like maybe this just isn’t for me right now. It will all be over soon, soon enough, but will I be ready. Sometimes, I have to look off into the distance just to keep myself from crying/shedding a tear. I know I’m not alone in this, I’m highly favored, but I can’t help but feel these emotions as I go through the motions of trying to figure out how to make it through. This is a very stressful time for me. My own self-imposed pressures are what is weighing me down at the moment. I do not feel confident, no matter how much I tell myself. It just doesn’t stop. It’s only Monday…

I will get through this. I should definitely take a double-take, maybe even triple-take at one of my favorite scriptures Philippians 4:13 which simply says:

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."

He strengthens my mind, body, and soul. Thank you Lord. I believe it and I will not give up. I will try my best. It’s just that getting to that end point and visualizing myself at the end of the road has proven very difficult for me.  My qualifying exam is scheduled for this weekend.

My current obstacles/challenges/struggles:

• PhD Qualifying exam
• Lack of focused state of mind and proper study environment(s) or study zones
• Feelings of inadequacy and unconfidence
• Mentally exhausted
• Unsure about what I want to research or am 100% passionate about
• Life at home

It’s a lot, but I’m hoping that God will help me cross out every item on this list in due time. This post was not meant to be sad, pessimistic, or depressing - I just had to get it out. If I could ask one thing, it would be for prayers for strength, endurance, courage, the spirit of boldness, and restored confidence in my abilities.

Side Note: Jhene Aiko's latest album "Souled Out" has been the business for me this past week.

Until next time,

Maleshia J.