Monday: The Pressure

Monday...

It’s very easy for doubt to creep in when things aren’t looking up in your immediate future. I’m just not feeling it right now. It has me feeling like maybe this just isn’t for me right now. It will all be over soon, soon enough, but will I be ready. Sometimes, I have to look off into the distance just to keep myself from crying/shedding a tear. I know I’m not alone in this, I’m highly favored, but I can’t help but feel these emotions as I go through the motions of trying to figure out how to make it through. This is a very stressful time for me. My own self-imposed pressures are what is weighing me down at the moment. I do not feel confident, no matter how much I tell myself. It just doesn’t stop. It’s only Monday…

I will get through this. I should definitely take a double-take, maybe even triple-take at one of my favorite scriptures Philippians 4:13 which simply says:

"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."

He strengthens my mind, body, and soul. Thank you Lord. I believe it and I will not give up. I will try my best. It’s just that getting to that end point and visualizing myself at the end of the road has proven very difficult for me.  My qualifying exam is scheduled for this weekend.

My current obstacles/challenges/struggles:

• PhD Qualifying exam
• Lack of focused state of mind and proper study environment(s) or study zones
• Feelings of inadequacy and unconfidence
• Mentally exhausted
• Unsure about what I want to research or am 100% passionate about
• Life at home

It’s a lot, but I’m hoping that God will help me cross out every item on this list in due time. This post was not meant to be sad, pessimistic, or depressing - I just had to get it out. If I could ask one thing, it would be for prayers for strength, endurance, courage, the spirit of boldness, and restored confidence in my abilities.

Side Note: Jhene Aiko's latest album "Souled Out" has been the business for me this past week.

Until next time,

Maleshia J.

Symptoms

Symptoms

1. Having trouble sleeping sleeping at night
2. Staying up really late (usually don't fall asleep until between 2:30-3am)
3. My body is very tense, especially in my shoulders/upper back
4. Occasional mood swings
5. Not eating at regular intervals
6. Exhibiting reclusive behaviors; highly introverted
7. Very picky about my choice of company

 There are things I want to do [and experience] with others, but I often feel void at times or alone or without people who I'd consider close to me in this new environment.  At times, I am overly anxious to the point that I just don't end up doing what I originally set out to do or what I said I would do.  My actions are somewhat that of someone with a settling mentality.  I honestly don't know why all of a sudden this persona decides to come to life.  I recognize that quiet time is very important, but having too much of it may be a slight problem for me.  The phases come and go where I'd like to be around people or not (please refer to symptom #7). 

Flashback

A UFC commercial just came on before I started watching a YouTube video and I had a flashback to the nights when my maternal grandma and I used to watch wrestling matches before bed summer nights.  I'm talking about real wrestling matches, not this fake, WWE, stuff out here (no offense to all the WWE fans). She loved wrestling!

I miss my grandma Rosa.  She was the toughest and strongest woman you could ever meet, and I learned so much about being a woman, taking care of your home, life, and being a faithful and servant woman of God from just being in her presence.

Black Love

I love seeing Black love (especially in digital photography).  Now don't get me wrong.  I do not discriminate.  I love people of all shapes and ethnicities. But there is something special about seeing Black love that just tugs at my heart.