What Am I Really Trying to Say?

I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed by the technology I have at the palm of my hand, at any moments reach.  Being so consumed with all things unimportant to my immediate life, I grow frustrated, angry, and sickened - not because I yearn for these things, but because I'm tired of hearing, seeing, and even partaking in meaningless things time and time again.  A shift in my paradigm is on the way.



Sometimes I don't always feel pretty.  I accept that I am not perfect. I have flaws; physical, mental, emotional, and cognitive in nature.  Some I can mend, others I must simply work with what I've got.  I cannot allow myself to enter a state of mind filled with negativity let alone people who don't look out for me when I need them most.

I am human and I have feelings, needs, and wants.  I yearn to have a deep companionship with someone (honestly I don't envision that happening any time soon unfortunately), but in the meantime I guess grad school will keep me occupied.  The other side of the equation is no one is really looking for me. I have standards, I'm a good girl, a nice Christian woman, smart, beautiful, and keep myself up well.  What more do I need to do?

Sometimes I just want to delete my online presence.  I've become so recluse, what good are my social media outlets if no one is really hearing me, understanding me, or even responding to me?  What exactly am I trying to say?  This is more of a question I pose to myself rather than the world.  I don't really have the answer.

I just want to photograph people, create lasting memories, paint my nails in cute designs, do a cover of a beautiful song, give out free hugs, walk around campus for an hour without having any meetings or classes to rush to, go out on a few nice dates and have movie nights in.  I want to be loved by someone special.

Who I am and how I see myself is way different than how others perceive me.  I know that is fact.  My reclusiveness does not really help either.  Most days I just want to be alone by myself, others I challenge myself to really let people in.  I guess my guards continue to raise because of how I was brought up, the type of society we live in, and how people genuinely are.

My thoughts are usually jumbled, but it's alright, as long as I get it out for the most part. I guess I'm just speaking to myself.