Free Write: Cabin Fever Thoughts (1/23/16)

We've all had these moments...

Sending that late night text message that you almost instantaneously regret pressing send.

Suppressing your feelings and emotions for the sake of not coming across as too "emotional", too "weak", too "clingy", and a bunch of other adjectives equating/amounting to a sign of inferiority or vulnerability.

Feeling so lonesome and single on a weekend night, when all you want to do is just spend some quality time with a special someone cuddling, cooking, listening to music, dancing, and watching movies.

When the realization that bae does not exist, as per previous scenario, you decide to put on your bartender hat and make yourself an alcoholic concoction or indulge is the grocery store's finest selection of cheap wine, hard cider, chocolate, chips, and dip... oh and Talenti!

Hearing your neighbors... #facepalm #everytime #selfexplanatory

Being that neighbor who blasts loud (whimsical, annoying, corny) music to block out the neighbors you're hearing.  I'm that neighbor.  And I wish somebody would try to file a noise complaint... Try me.

Feeling trapped because your cars snowed in, the roads aren't tip top clear, there's a [HUGE] chance you'll end up in a ditch because a) the roads are slick, icy, and not paved, or b) you're a Virginia driver who can't drive worth s*** in the snow, rain, dry & sunny day, or c) both a and c.  (I'm obviously not talking about myself, just to clarify a few things.)

When Pandora, Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes Radio, or any other similar music genome platform is subtly speaking to your life and you can't help but sing along, bust out into interpretive dance, grab the tissues, twerk it out, and give the performance of a lifetime (on the scale of 1 to Beyoncé) in your apartment all by yourself.

That's all I've got for now at least.

Facebook Asks me: "What's on your mind?"

"What's on your mind?"

Why, how friendly and courteous is Facebook to ask me what I'm thinking of, how I am doing, and what concerns me.

What is on my mind?

• How no matter where I live, I will never be fully comfortable unless I live in my own damn house. The walls will always be too thin. The neighbors will always be creepy, nosy, loud, or annoying.  If I have another roommate, I'll never be able to just bask in my much needed solitude.
• I can fall asleep pretty much anywhere in my apartment. Sometimes, I'll just pick a spot on the floor, by the front door, next to the fridge, by my bedroom doorway, in front of the tv, etc., and woosah my life away.
• Sometimes I lie in bed, put my headphones on, and think about how nice it'd be to not sleep alone (all the while the neighbors are getting it on... fml).  Something as simple as cuddling.
• How I am remaining patient and trust that God has someone on the way for me. I just gotta keep holding on and staying on the straight path.
• My singleness and what I can do in the meantime to just have fun and enjoy the precious moments of life.
• Hot lit this newly discovered music is (Jeremih and August Alsina mixtapes, JoJo EPs, music by Dawn Richard, etc.).
• How I'm notorious for overthinking a lot of things. I just need to simmer down now.
• I'm a hopeless, yet very guarded, romantic.  I've learned from experiences not to go all in to prevent the fall, heartbreak, and emotional hardship.
• How's this good girl going to attract the most compatible one?

I think that's majority of it for now.

The First Week

First week into the new year - twenty-sixteen - and i've had so much to think about.  I have less than 4 months to complete my thesis, take one final course, find a full-time job, and keep my sanity intact...

Whew! What a way to start this entry.  First week into 2016, and I've experienced a range of emotions.  Feeling refreshed, inspired, motivated, determined, like a hopeless romantic not trying to let their guards down or get too excited about possibilities...

I've turned to my spirituality and have began pursuing a true inner peace with meditation and yoga.  It definitely has not been easy.  Day one wasn't so bad. I felt rejuvenated. Day two... Day three... Day four has passed and I'm back at square one.

Can someone cue in some Adele? Drake ("Nothing Was The Same" album)? Coldplay? I'm feeling some type of way.  I know everything that has to be done. I know the long journey that awaits me. I know I can do it. But when self is in the way, how do you start and keep going? Especially when you just want to share things with someone special, but someone special doesn't quite exist yet. When that reality hits me, I experience a mixture of anger, frustration, sadness, possibly even self-pity (rarely though).

I love love. I love to love on and care for others. But I have the hardest time letting others love on me. It's not that I don't want it. I've just become so guarded, semi- cold-hearted, and afraid to fully let someone in.  I have some things in my past that I am not so proud of.  Some things I would only keep to myself until the time is right to be disclosed to the right person.

What am I even trying to say in this cryptic message? Beats me. I have no more to say.